


Darkness Dwells

by morgay



Category: Gravity Falls, Rick and Morty
Genre: Angst, Crossover, Death, Depression, Drinking, Exes, Grief, HELP THE ANGST, I’m an angstoholic okay, Liquor, Loneliness, M/M, My scientist bbs, Rick POV, Rick wants to be alone, Sadness, Sarcasm, Substance Abuse, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Theme song: Sideways by Citizen Cope/Santana, Violence, i cried writing this this oh, leave comments and kudos l’ll love you forever, like major angst, pls enjoy, tbh I kinda ship Rick/Ford more oKAY leave me alone, theme song: The Scientist by Coldplay, third person, this is the longest oneshot I’ve ever written, took me like 3 days to make
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-20 10:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13715490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgay/pseuds/morgay
Summary: Rick loses his family and returns to Gravity Falls in one last attempt to make things right.





	Darkness Dwells

**Author's Note:**

> Um. So. Yeah, this is long. Like, really long. I don't even know how it got to be so many words, but I looked down at the count and, well, there it was. So I guess this is what's here! I'd appreciate any comments and kudos, this took me a few days to finish up and it's super angsty but YEAH. Hope you enjoy, tHANKS all!

"Please."

Never once in his life had Rick Sanchez truly begged for anything. Even after genocide, ruining his family's lives, destroying complete universes with the snap of his fingers, Rick had never pleaded. Not to god, not to himself, not to anyone. It was deemed unnecessary to him; the task in itself was great work, and Rick felt he had better things to do than act like a pussy to some magical idiot in the sky who didn't even exist.

But this time was different. This time, Rick Sanchez was truly begging.

A deep undertone slipped into his sentence. A sliver of despair, a cry for help that spread through the mind of the gray-haired man standing still as a stone in front of Rick. A crack split the air at the end of the word, dissolving into a million pieces and shattering everything in front of him.

"Okay."

Simple, short. The way Stanford Pines had always been; but hidden underneath was the mind of a genius, shadowed by a mask that only the most intelligent could trudge through. It was thick, like mud, the way Ford hid who he truly was inside. Rick was so, so different. He was a take-it-or-leave-it type guy. If you didn't like him, you could fuck off. The scientist had not a care in the world for your sob story, for your offense to the musings of a worldwide all-powerful man, to the one truth that could spill your guts out our sew your heart back up.

The former was what usually happened. Rick didn't care much for violence- literally and figuratively.

The scientist said nothing more as he pushed his way through the door, his spiked hair ruffling the top of the doorframe. Rick always towered over everybody; it was the one thing he could appreciate about himself. Because of it, many people didn't attempt to get into a fight with him. Besides, if they did he would shred them to ashes, either with his own hands or with a ray gun. The point was that Ford was one of the only people he'd known that could levelly meet his eyes. The same vice versa.

But right now, it hardly mattered. Rick's heavy footsteps banged along the wood floor like pieces of metal, scraping and dragging a lifeless corpse into a house of prestige happiness and innocence.

Yeah, it wasn't something Rick respected. He _hated_ it.

A cough drew from his lips, the male rubbing his eyes as he examined the place he would be staying for now. A small place called the Mystery Shack, not too much but the feeling in the air said otherwise. Rick had never been here, but had easily found Ford with a little device he created midway after the...

Darkness suddenly crept into his heart, grief and heartbreak clawing its way up his throat and spilling into his mind. His back suddenly hunched, his eyes shadowed, his fingers curled into the palms of his hands and when he released he almost thought blood trickled down his arm. Not like it mattered, and not like he cared.

Rick wondered if Ford's less-than-horrible brother was here. The man was such an idiot the scientist almost scowled. He'd always been an imbecile. A joke on the part of an actually _smart_ society, hell, even a joke on the dumb side of this terrible universe. He was like a raging bull; if you waved red flags he'd hurtle towards you with the force of a thousand tons, but slip and crash into a wall instead. That was the best way Rick could describe Stanley.

"Stanley is out with the kids." Ford's gruff voice sliced the tension, tearing into Rick's soul. He stopped for a moment and wondered. _Kids? Hmm... I'll have to ask him later._

Whenever later would be. The scientist was pretty sure he could sleep for weeks right now and have no problem being unconscious. He would much rather choose insane dreams over this living nightmare.

"You can sleep on the couch." Ford left no room for argument and, honestly, Rick was too exhausted to even snap back, or give a jack-off comment that would likely get him punched in the face. So he shrugged, dropped his shit and collapsed on the bedding. It was surprisingly welcoming, his body sinking into it as if this couch were quicksand, pulling him inside and slowly suffocating him. Then again, Hollywood had butchered the facts. It was just wet sand, basically. Not even deep- all you had to do was find your footing and crawl out. You'd have to be a dumbass to die in quicksand. Back to the point, the couch was amazingly comfortable and Rick felt that he might just have to break out a Pink Floyd song. But his throat burned and his voice seemed lost, he didn't even want to speak, much less sing.

Rick pretended to sleep, letting his chest rise and fall, his breaths slowing to a steady pulse. Two seconds in, two seconds out, three seconds between. He repeated that process and watched with lidded eyes as Ford eventually sighed as turned away, quietly slipping outside. Rick huffed and buried his face in the couch, continuing with the counting until he fell asleep, for real this time. And god, did it feel good to escape from the real world for a little while..

*****

"Grunkle Ford? Is he gonna wake up?"

"Mabel, I think he's dead."

"Noooooooo! I can hear him breathing! Haha, he sounds like a stuffed up bear!"

"MABEL! DIPPER! Get away from that _thing_. Don't even get near him, Ford can deal with this one."

"Grunkle Staaaaaan! You don't have to be mean!"

"I'm not being mean, just truthful. Now come on kiddos, let's get you outside-"

In an instant Rick had wrapped his hand around the boy's wrist and tugged him back before he was out of reach. The scientist's eyes snapped open, a furious fire lapping inside his chest and clearly evident in his furrowed brow as he twisted the stupid kid's skin. "Give me back my picture you little brat."

The kid looked terrified, holding his breath with his cheeks going red. He grimaced in pain but sighed, reaching into his back pocket and placing a crinkled up picture in Rick's hand. The male hissed in fury and shoved the boy back. "YOU CRUMBLED IT, YOU FUCKING IDIOT! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY PICTURE! LOOK WHAT YOU FUCKING DID!"

"HEY!" The anger seemed to die like a flame inside of Rick. He turned his head to see his six-fingered friend standing in the hallway, glaring at all four of the people inside. "Dipper, you know better than to steal. God, what have you been _teaching_ that boy Stanley? Mabel, please be quiet and let Rick get some rest. Stanley, try not to get into a fight and take the kids outside for a while." When Stanley didn't move Ford frowned at his brother. " _Please_."

Stanley eventually scoffed and shot daggers at Rick, pushing the two kids toward the door- they looked like twins, definitely too young to be Ford or Stanley's kids. Rick doubted Ford had moved on after him anyway, they'd been together so long... So maybe they were his niece and his nephew? That would make more sense, but just because they were family to an ex didn't mean Rick liked them. After all-

"That little shit stole my picture, did you see that?" Rick seethed.

" _Rick_." The almost blue-haired male turned his head toward Ford and rolled his eyes at his disapproving look.

"What, Six?" Ford flinched. "It's true, that prick tried to take the only thing I have left! And didn't even apologize! Who is that anyway?"

Ford sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "My nephew and niece, Dipper and Mabel." _Knew it_. "And please stop talking about Dipper like that, if you want to blame anyone then blame my brother. He started teaching the kid all of his tricks anyway. Dipper doesn't know any better."

Rick snorted. "Excuses. What is he, thirteen? Shit, I had Morty-"

Oh. A wave of sadness washed over Rick, drowning him in the depths and sinking into his bones, tearing him apart and leaving nothing left but a speck of a broken soul. The older male choked on his breath, his hands beginning to shake and his lips twitching when he realized what he was missing. Of course, his flask. He staggered upward and rifled through his bag, eyes narrowed in a desperate attempt to wash away the grief. "Come on, come on.."

"Looking for this?" Rick's head snapped up and anger took over his mind when he saw Ford holding his flask in his stupid six-fingered hand. The scientist hissed and pushed himself to his feet.

"Give me back my flask you six-fingered freak, I don't care about hurting you right now, I swear to god I will throw your ass through the goddamn window if you don't let me have my-"

"Have your what? Your poison?" Ford's face twisted into disgust. "You started drinking when we were together, you grew violent over it. Please don't tell me you've been letting this addiction grow as the years have passed."

"Why do you even care?" Rick squared his shoulders as he faced Ford, curling his lip. "Now give me back my fucking flask."

"No." Ford's muscles rippled under his skin, his jaw set in a straight line as he stared pointedly at Rick. "Running from your problems won't help. Talk to me, Rick. I know you, and you don't ask to stay somewhere for no reason."

Rick snickered. "What an idiot! You actually think I'm upset or something! PAH! Rick Sanchez doesn't get emotional about anything! Soy genial! Yo soy el mejor! NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKING LIQUOR-"

The scientist raged toward Ford with any strength he had left in his feeble body. Ford swiftly jerked to the side and held Rick back with a hand, shaking his head and making a tsk, tsk, tsk sound. "There was a 93% chance of that happening, you aren't exactly unpredictable when you're angry."

"Percentages my ass, I had about a 76% chance of getting the flask by force of strength, 22% chance of outsmarting you, and a 2% chance of outrunning you after swiping the flask away. There, you happy? I had more options but your bullshit made me think of bullshit." Rick immediately ripped his way through Ford's grasp and successfully reached the flask, smirking triumphantly until a heavy body crushed his ribs. He wheezed in pain and tried to wriggle his way out of this mess but Ford had trapped him. Rick, however, successfully threw the flask across the room. When the younger (but still old) male jumped up to race toward the other side of the place, Rick shoved Ford aside and scrabbled to his drink.

Yup, one good thing is that he was slightly faster than Ford. Slightly. That is until he was playing tug-of-war for his liquor, eyes ablaze. "JUST FUCKING GIVE IT TO ME! YOU'RE AN IDIOT IF YOU THINK TAKING IT AWAY WILL HELP ME IN ANY WAY!"

"God DAMN what is going ON in here?" A pissed of Stanley burst through the door, his wrinkles making him look a hundred years old. Especially when he was angry, it was almost amusing to Rick. Oh, who was also able to rip the flask away from Ford's grasp.

"Stay out of this _Stan_. I'm sure your pea-sized brain wouldn't even be able to comprehend my intelligent language." Rick sneered and yelped when the bulkier male crashed into him.

_Should've seen that coming._

Suddenly he tasted blood. Rick was almost confused until his face fizzled with pain, and he realized he was being punched. "No one hurts my brother without me hurting them first!" Stanley spat.

"Grunkle Stan! What's going on?" Mabel and Dipper Dick were suddenly on the other side of their "grunkle" or whatever the fuck, watching with wide eyes as Stanley beat the shit out of Rick. The scientist was too flimsy to do anything, this guy weighed almost two hundred pounds. Rick? Minus the eating disorder, at most a hundred and thirty.

"O-okay!" Ford breathed. "Stanley, you've proved yourself, you can beat someone to hell. Get off Rick and-"

"Don't you see? He's trying to drink in front of the kids!" Stanley motioned toward Dipper and Mabel.

Rick spit blood out of his mouth. "Um, only because you brought them inside, genius."

That earned him another blow to the face.

"STANLEY! I said stop! Just..let him have his flask, he can sleep outside." Ford glared at Rick, but the scientist only spluttered out a laugh.

"HAH! You think sleeping outside will suck for me? I spent half my life living in a Mexican alley dump somewhere out by the sea, dáme un respiro." Rick staggered to his feet and swiped his silver flask before anyone could get tricky with him again.

"Why's he talking in Spanish?" Dipper asked.

"Por que me gusta. Y eres un idiota." Rick watched with satisfaction as the teen became furious, stomping his foot down in anger.

"I think he said he likes ghosts!" Mabel gasped. "Or was it UNICORNS? I want to see unicorns! Wait...just kidding they're mean.."

"Whatever. I don't have time for this, leave me be and I'll sleep outside." Rick walked past the family of idiots and almost made his way out the door.

"W-wait! Rick!" The scientist turned impatiently as Ford ran a hand through his gray hair, a sign that he was worried. It's what he'd always done when Rick would come home late and be drunk.. But those memories stung, he'd have to drink them away.

"What?" Rick snapped.

"Err... Uh, stay safe out there? And watch out for gnomes."

The male shrugged. "They don't do much, I can handle em. See ya, Ford. Stautism. Maple. Little Dick."

Rick closed the door behind him, just missing Mabel's question. "What's a dick?"

The moment he stepped into the open air the darkness crashed back into him, eating him up inside and haunting his thoughts as he stumbled to his crashed spaceship, pieces of debris scattered around the deep forest. Rick sighed and took a swig of his liquor, burning his throat and scorching his chest. He spluttered out a cough and fell to his knees, his eyes shining with tears he refused to let spill. _Don't be a pussy. You're fine. Morty was a nuisance anyway, you don't need him, you used him to mask your brainwaves. And Ford is like my alternate Morty, when we're together I can't be found. So stop caring so much. You don't care._

Rick had convinced himself for so long that his now dead grandson was nothing to him. A tiny star in this giant universe that would be born and die; Rick had only hoped the kid's life would've lasted a little longer. Fuck, he choked on a sob and downed the rest of the liquid in his flask, wiping it off his face and letting his body rest on the ground. He flicked a spider away and watched the stars twinkle, tiredness tugging at his eyelids but Rick forced them to stay open. Maybe he _wanted_ to think. Was that so bad? To think about the explosion, the fire, the screaming and- oh, oh god, Beth. His Beth, burned alive as the sky darkened with sheets of black storm clouds, blanketing the light and pulling its terrible trap among Earth.

 _I saved Morty. I saved my grandson instead of my daughter. And now they're both dead_.

The realization had hit him the moment Morty had been ripped from his arms and fell into the depths of the planet, his screeches echoing into the night. Rick had watched, stricken with shock. He hadn't done anything. He hadn't even _tried_.

God, it tore his heart open. It felt like a snake was wrapping around his insides, crunching the epitome of his existence, ripping out his throat as he choked on the growing anguish. His iniquity had taken a toll- because of it, his whole family was dead.

_Because of me. I destroyed everyone I love, everyone I didn't know. Children, elders, parents. We all sin but we all love...is this what being human is? Breaking your own heart? Ruining the lives of others? Because if it is, I want no part of it anymore._

******

Rick wasn't sure when he'd fallen asleep. He'd hummd himself a tune as he'd slowly tipped his way over the edge to being drunk. Numbness had crawled through his heart and shielded his soul from the painful blows of the past, of his mistakes. Apparently he'd completely passed out, because when his eyes snapped open the sun was shining brightly through the tree tops. Rick scowled, immediately being put in a terrible mood as leaves fluttered around his head. He swatted them away, grunting. "Stupid leaves. Stupid sun. Stupid outdoors. Stupid everything."

"Is stupid a bad word? Grunkle Stan said you like to cuss."

Rick nearly jumped out of his skin, whipping around with a creased brow as he glared at Maple. Or Mabel? Whatever it was, he didn't remember and didn't feel obligated to. After all, Rick didn't see himself being here for much longer, anyway.

"Hmph. It's only a word, we're just stupid humans that give it stupid meanings. After all, we ruin everything anyway. Let's go ahead and fuck up our way of speech too! Yay!" The scientist fake cheered as he pulled himself to his feet, stretching, the flask falling from his lips as he eyed Mabel. "Why are you out here anyway? Where's Diaper or whatever."

Mabel giggled. "It's Dipper, silly! And we were exploring, when we came across you and- OH MY GOSH IS THAT A SPACESHIP?!?!??" Without waiting for a response the teen ran past Rick and sprinted circles around the broken down shuttle. "OHMYUNICORNSTHISISAMAZING DIPPER GET OVER HERE!!!!"

"What? What, what's going on?" Dipper stumbled through the bushes and, after noticing Rick, distaste became apparent across his features. But his gaze trailed to the spaceship and amazement pooled into his eyes. "Whoa! Is this yours?"

The twins examined Rick's way of transportation. Dipper picked up a piece of stray metal, tipping his head. "What happened? Did you come here because you crashed? It seemed like you and Ford know each other though, what's up with that?"

Rick grunted in response.

"Oh, maybe he's an alien!" Mabel took in the scientist's appearance. "He looks like a human though. Ooo, a Shape Shifter possibly?"

Dipper took a step back.

Rick snorted. "HAH! You two are idiots. Shape Shifters don't drink, and I am waaaaaaay drunk~"

"Drunk?" Mabel hummed. "What's that?"

"It's uh. What happens when you drink beer, Mabel," Dipper tried to explain, shooting cautious glances toward Rick.

"Oh." She shrugged and looked down, smiling when she picked up a small-sized picture. "Hey! What's this! A kid with fluffy brown hair? He looks handsome!"

"Let me see that!" Rick swiped the portrait away but his face fell when he saw who it was. His heart suddenly became heavy again, his legs began to shake and he stuffed it back into his pocket, biting his lip and chugging the liquor. "Fuck...fuck." He grabbed his head and turned away, ripping through the contaminants in his spaceship, looking for his toolbox. He needed to get out of here. Go see how badly Earth was left in pieces then run. Or kill himself. It didn't matter either way, he wouldn't be missed.

"You okay Rick?" Mabel looked a little freaked out.

"I think he knew that kid.." Dipper muttered to his sister.

"He's not just SOME KID." The scientist turned back to the twins, furious. "His name is Morty, and he was the best grandson anyone like ever ask for! Yo-You treat him like some-some-some random person but he isn't! He-He was great! S-So don't even talk about him, I can't...I can't..." He closed his eyes, wanting to crumple to the ground and die.

He was surprised when a pair of arms wrapped around him. He stiffened when he took in the scent of this person, an earthy tinge with a gentle undertone. "I'm sorry Rick.. I never met him but I'm sure he was just as amazing as Little Beth.."

_Little Beth.. god, he still remembers the nickname he gave her. How sweet. How sweet.._

Rick choked and ripped himself away from Ford's grasp, taking in a shaky breath. "U-Um, what are y-you doing out he-here Sixer? Im drunk to hell, how about yous and the brats leave me alone."

Ford didn't respond, his eyes landing on Rick's damaged spaceship. "Oh. Is this one of the reasons you came?"

Rick shrugged. "No not really. It broke down when I entered this universe, the smoke-" He stopped, a horrible tingling feeling spinning inside his chest. "Th..the..um... it just broke down, okay?"

Ford stared at the scientist and sighed, running a hand through his hair. Rick would've chuckled if he didn't feel like such shit. "Kids, go explore please? Rick and I have some things to talk about."

Dipper and Mabel exchanged a glance but didn't argue, turning and running off into the forest. Rick groaned and turned, picking up his toolbox and grabbing some metal. "I'm leaving soon."

"No you aren't." Ford placed a hand on the blue-haired male's shoulder and Rick shivered, standing stiff. "I saw your look when I mentioned Beth. I know we're old men now but why isn't she with you? You haven't even explained why you're here. And Morty, you seemed..upset about him. You don't really snap at people with emotion."

Rick breathed.

"Like I said, you don't just go to places. There was motive behind this. And based on how you've been acting I would say it's nothing good." Ford frowned. "So, please, Rick, just tell me. Even after...after what happened we can still get through this."

Rick scoffed and turned, shaking his head. "You might be book smart but you sure aren't street smart. I'm fine, no worries dragging me behind. Morty and Beth are-" He stopped. "They... are in a better place."

Ford's eyes grew wide. "Oh, god. O-oh, god, Rick, I'm so sorry-"

"Don't," the scientist hissed. "I don't want pity. You know I fucking hate it."

The other male let his arm fall and squeezed Rick's hand. "It's gonna be okay-"

"I said _don't_." Rick glared at Ford as he moved his hand away. "We aren't together anymore. Don't touch me. Don't look at me like that. God damn it Stanford don't be in love with me. I'm horrible. You deserve someone good- not someone that got their whole family killed and abused you." Tears pricked Rick's eyes but he didn't let the other man see them. "I'm vile. Th-that's why I'm leaving. I need to go back to Earth, see what damage was caused and...and run or..." He scratched the back of his head. "I dunno.."

"Rick, _no_!" Fear was evident in Ford's posture as he held onto the scientist. "I know this, and-and if you...if you kill yourself after I let you leave I won't be able to live with myself. Please. I've stopped you twice... don't make me do it again."

Rick sneered. "Always playing the victim. Stop caring and realize I'm bad for everyone. Maybe I don't want you back, Ford. Don't be selfish about this, if anything happens you won't even know I'm dead."

Ford flinched. "Stop! You can't j-just come here and expect me to let you _commit suicide_. No, Rick, _no_! I-I'll fucking kidnap you here if I have to."

Rick shook his head. "I'm leaving, there's nothing you can do. And if you try to stop me, well- you won't succeed." He began to pick out objects from the toolbox, crouching down and burying them in the ground.

"What-" Ford watched with confusion as he did whatever he was doing, but snapped back to the real issue. "Stop acting like you can stop me, we're both geniuses. I have an older brother who weighs over two hundred pounds, he could tackle you to the ground right now. I also have a nephew and a niece who literally saved the world."

Rick snorted. "From who?"

Ford's voice dropped several tones. "Bill."

Rick laughed, staggering to his feet. "Bill Cipher? What a joke, that one-eyed triangle freak can't do shit, meet some real trouble. Like, um, me."

He faced Ford finally, eyes narrowing. "Leave me be out here. I have stuff to work on."

The younger male gritted his teeth. "No, I refuse."

Rick shrugged. "Okay, have fun standing here then." He sat down in a chair he'd just crafted out of metal and tinkered with a wrench.

Ford growled and ran toward Rick, but gasped when a purple cylinder encased the scientist. He banged on the material, but didn't do any damage at all whatsoever. "RICK! You can't keep me out forever!"

"Guess it's a race then." Rick didn't turn to face Ford.

Ford snarled and whipped around. "I'll be back soon, and when I return I'll be able to break through your trap! So don't get too comfy!" And he stomped away, his footsteps fading into the woods.

*****

Rick was tired. And lonely. And depressed. And moody. Honestly, he was all of the terrible words in the book and his heart just wasn't in it for today.

One week of being in Gravity Falls, five days of being inside a purple fucking bubble. From unicorn hair, too- not like it had been hard to snatch, but Rick still scowled at himself for it. He could've easily built something to keep him safer but... maybe the unicorn hair fit. Or something like that, he wasn't too sure.

Five days had also kept the attention of Ford Pines. The younger man had built several "bubble" tasers to get through Rick's shield, but it didn't work. He almost congratulated himself on being smarter than Ford; however, that was the only thing he beat Ford at. Empathy, compassion, gentleness, and not being a terrible person were all things Rick lacked. Unfortunately for everyone around him, they were noticeable traits. Not like the scientist tried to mask those flaws in any way.

As well as hiding from everyone, Rick was almost finished with fixing up his spaceship. The distraction was nice, until he realized that he would be returning to the start of this mess- where he'd let everyone he loved die..

Rick hadn't cried, either. He quickly understood that wasn't great for the mental health and all, but he didn't care all that much. Bottling up emotions was his forte. The liquor helped, but it was mostly who he was on the inside. His father hadn't allowed those types of emotions. And his mother... well, his mother had died, anyway. Anyone he'd known in Mexico was long gone, a fading memory with his existence. Rick could hardly remember what they looked like... then again most of them were for the blowjob, he'd gotten into sex pretty young, and you didn't see much of people's faces while they sucked your dick, so there was that.

But still. His heart hurt, he ached painfully. He'd lived with depression for so long he mostly knew how to ignore it, but of course there were times when he couldn't do anything but lay on the ground and stare up at the stars. Disgust had become a common emotion the past few weeks, and they were especially taking a toll now.

"Rick?"

The scientist was snapped out of his thoughts, his face turning into a look of grumpiness as he turned to face Mabel. Oh, yes. The twins, who always found it in their best interest to visit him. Yeah, Rick was over it. He didn't want any conversations. "What," he snapped, not bothering to watch her reaction as he fiddled with something on his makeshift desk. He'd set up a little camp out here, but the bubble kept him from the cold of the night. Which was one good thing in this shithole place.

"Um." Mabel looked down for a moment and hesitated.

"Well, spit it out kid, I don't have all day."

"What's suicide?"

"Suicide?"

"Yeah, like, committing suicide."

"Kid, you're too young."

"But-"

"Where'd you hear that anyway?"

"Uh..." Mabel looked guilty. "I'm _sorry_ okay! But a couple days ago when Grunkle Ford told us to leave you two alone we.. didn't.. we listened, he said you were gonna commit suicide and- I guess, no one will answer me. Grunkle Stan just shoos me outside, Grunkle Ford says to not worry about it, and Dipper doesn't know or care. So... can you tell me?"

Rick sighed, rubbing his temple. "God, you are a nuisance."

Mabel beamed. "Is that a yes?!"

"Ugh." Rick turned his head away for a moment and thought about how to put this. "You understand the concept of death, right? You know, we all die, whatever happens after we don't know, all that shit."

Mabel nodded slowly. "Yeah.."

"Well, if you know death then you know what killing is. Murder."

"Like me stepping on a spider?"

"Try a tiny human."

"Is that possible?"

"Doesn't matter. So, pretend you step on a tiny human. On purpose."

Mabel looked horrified.

"Metaphorically. That's murder, killing. You know, taking someone's life on purpose?"

"Yeah, I get it.. but what does this have to do with-"

"Committing suicide is killing yourself."

Mabel was shocked. "Wait.... wait _WHAT_? That's a thing? People actually want... to _DIE_? But why? Life is so great! There are so many amazing things about the world!"

Rick chuckled at her innocence. Ah, if only he'd been like that... and if only the world revolved around how kids saw it. But that just wasn't how life worked.

"Kid, you're young." He sighed. "I know everyone says that, I stuck a middle finger in the face of people that told me those words, but it's true. You have no concept of the real world. The world is shit. People die, they're murdered. Humans are starving to death all around this universe. Idiots own the planet and take all the money, brainwash their mindless and ignorant followers. There is war, there is violence. You lose people you love, you grow guilty, after a while you sometimes can't deal with it. Shit, kid, just look up 9/11. That's trauma enough. Some of us can't take it after so long."

Mabel shook her head. "But there are good things too! People are born, you meet new friends, go on adventures. There are lovely little animals that walk around the forest, you have nice family, a good place to live. What could be better than that? It's totally a reason to live!"

Rick scowled. "You'll understand when you grow up. My whole family is dead, I've ruined populations, I'm a horrible person. Some of us are bad people, kid. And those bad people should be rid of, in any way possible. Even if it means they commit suicide and go wherever the fuck you go when you die. That's just life."

Silence.

A pause.

The next words were barely a whisper in the wind. The man had to strain forward to even hear Mabel. "Rick...are you thinking about killing yourself?"

He sighed. He rubbed his eyes, looked at her, then let his gaze fall to the ground.

"Yes."

*****

Rick had expected Mabel to tell Ford. He had been quite sure the teen would explain to her great uncle how the scientist had admitted to wanting to kill himself, talked about suicide and how fucked up the world was... At least Ford would know how Rick felt before he killed himself. Then he'd just be a memory that would eventually fade away..

The male turned, eyes glossy as he picked up the gun he'd worked on building the past few days. It looked like a portal gun- to throw Ford off track if he ever came around to see what Rick was doing, he'd think his own portal gun had broken so he was making a new one. But that wasn't the case. He'd created a real gun that could kill anyone with the pull of the trigger.

And it was for him.

Rick let himself stand, the moon shining down on his frame, stars twinkling in the navy sky above. The memories returned; he saw the flames and smoke again, the spaceships flying through the destruction and leaving behind their mess, Morty, Beth, Summer.. oh, god, it all came crashing into him and it felt like his head was being drilled into. The feelings wouldn't go away, he felt like he was being shoved over a cliff without any ground, just forever nothingness. His mind being taken over by numbness and his guilt eating away at any part of his already broken heart.

God, guilt was a hell of an emotion. It was the worst one for Rick. He'd dealt with anger since his mother had died. He'd gotten used to his depressive episodes that lasted for months at a time. He'd been able to adjust to his harsh words and emotional abuse that he forced upon himself and those he was close to, or those who were complete strangers. But guilt was the one thing Rick had never been able to move past. It split open his chest and spilled out, entrapping his entire soul with a tingly feeling, wanting to cry and wanting to scream, but fear of apologizing or letting himself not have a reason to be a terrible person.

He'd let so many people die. Genocide. Rick had lost count long ago of the death count, but it was well over the thousands. That shit starts to weigh on you. Add in the fact of leaving your original family for twenty years, returning and working as hard as possible to rebuild those relationships, moving universes twice because it was _better_. Any other Rick would tell him to just find a new Morty. But the bond wouldn't be there, not like he'd had with his true grandson.

It left an empty hole inside of him, and the guilt filled it until he could no longer take it. Rick felt like he was choking every time his mind drifted to Morty, or Beth, or Summer. God, Summer. She'd looked up to him so dearly and now she was dead, buried in the lapping flames of Earth, because Rick had decided to try to save Morty instead.

And he'd failed. And it had gotten everyone killed.

Not like he felt bad about Jerry. That guy was the laughing stock of humanity, worse than fucking Stanley. But even then... maybe there was a part of him that regretted his meanness toward his son in law.

 _But he deserved it. He was an idiot, anyway_. That's what Rick's genius mind had convinced him.

The gun lay in the scientist's hands. He stared down at it, his fingers curling in slightly. Rick didn't know how he felt about this. Dread, sadness, relief, anger. Too many emotions to even explain, he knew the world would be so much better off without him everyone would be _happy_. Isn't that what he wanted? To make a _positive_ change in the universe for once?

Yes. Yes, it's what he wanted.

Rick put the gun to his head with a steady hand. His legs trembled but he forced the to be stiff. His mind wandered but he kept it on the topic of how ecstatic everyone would be when he was gone. And if the original Rick was gone.. then so was every other Rick. That put a soft smile on his face.

He would finally be free.

"Rick. Stop what you're doing and put the gun down."

Fuck. Right, Ford. Mabel. Whatever the fuck Dipper and Stan were, he didn't care all that much. Mabel had been like his suicide letter, Rick had expected to be dead already but he'd been consumed by thoughts for too long. The scientist groaned, screwing his eyes shut. "Leave me alone, Ford."

"If I leave you alone then you're going to kill yourself."

Rick watched Ford step over to the bubble slowly, placing a hand on it, his eyes worried and bloodshot. Stanford had been crying. Why? Over what, him? Their damaged relationship? Which was all because of Rick, by the way, then again every shitty thing was because of Rick. But he was just...surprised. He figured Ford was the kind of guy that didn't dwell much on the past anymore. Then again he should've known better, Ford had always been regretful when they'd dated about his history, Rick had tried to help but was no use...

Another reason he wanted to kill himself. For being so fucking worthless.

The person that stepped out behind of Ford was Mabel, to Rick's shock. He hadn't expected his ex to bring her here, after all-

"Ford, you brought the kid here when I'm about to splatter my brain all over the ground? Fuck no, get her away. She shouldn't see this."

"I-it's why I brought her." The younger male gulped. "I you do this then she will see. And you'll remember that she saw what you did, will be exposed to it at a young age.. do you want that Rick?"

The scientist bit his lip, looking over the worried girl, his breaths growing more ragged. "F-fuck you Ford, you're a selfish idiot if you want her mental stability to depend on me. Someone she hardly fucking knows."

"You're the selfish idiot if you'll willingly expose her to that violence." Ford held Mabel close, eyes narrowed. "Rick, I've stopped you from doing this many, many times. It's been hard. I know you've had a bad life and it's been hard to live with-"

Rick snorted.

"-but you have to trust me, everything will turn-turn out okay alright?" The male watched as tears spilled down Ford's cheeks and his voice broke. Fuck, this- this wasn't supposed to happen, Rick was supposed to be _dead_ by now! Why did Ford even... even care?! Rick was past insanity, he should just _die_ already! Why didn't this ignorant asshole see that?!

"Shut the fuck up Ford, you cl-clearly-" God, why was his voice breaking too? "-clearly don't know me so well! Even when we dated for over a year." Mabel looked shocked. "It's been a long time, I know, but telling me ev-everything will be okay won't _work_! It's not true, this isn't a fairy tale, life goes to shit and I can't fucking take it anymore. My- my mom is dead, my dad showed me things I should never have seen so young, I took a long and dangerous trip just to get to America, I ruined us, my family, my daughter and my grandson and granddaughter and-" Rick stopped, realizing the tears were falling now. "I got them killed! I-I let him fall, I let Beth and Summer burn... I've murdered so many people, physically and mentally abused the ones I love, just ruined _everything_! Why-why would you ever want to save that?"

Ford's hard gaze softened, his hands running along the bubble. "Rick..you can't think those things about yourself. You had a shitty life, okay? It would be _abnormal_ if you didn't get fucked up." A sob wrenched from Rick's throat. "All those things came young but it wasn't your fault... you were exposed. And it messed you up, changed the way you thought and experienced things and felt. If you want to blame anyone blame your father, not yourself. He killed your mother in front of you and abused you. _Stop_ blaming _yourself_. You did _nothing_. And it hurts me to see you hurting, even after all these years."

Ford let Mabel come up beside him. "S-so, Rick, I'm asking you- don't expose Mabel to the same things you saw. Don't let her lose her innocence so soon...she shouldn't see violence, not like that, but-but it's up to you. I'm.. I'm just asking, okay? Pl-please. Please don't do this."

Rick was crying by now. And hard, the tears wouldn't stop, he'd held them in for so long the scientist wasn't sure if they ever _would_ stop. But- oh, god, he knew even after death he would feel so, so _terrible_ if he let Mabel see someone kill themselves, especially someone close to her great uncle. He would never forgive himself, wherever Rick went after death, and it was a golden ticket for so much more punishment in hell. If he even believed in that.

So...Rick made a decision. He made a decision at this instant that would change the lives of everyone around him. Impact them in a way he could never imagine. Change everything he was and stood for...all the guilt and anger that had built up inside of him like a raging hurricane..he'd made up his mind. He'd go through with this decision.

"Okay."

The gun dropped from Rick's hand and he collapsed to his knees, sobbing into his hands. The bubble immediately evaporated and Ford ran toward the scientist, cradling him in his arms and letting Rick cry into his shirt. Mabel came up from behind and comfortably hugged him. "It'll be okay, Grunkle Rick..." she whispered.

And god did his heart swell and break at the same time. If only Morty and Beth and Summer were here- fuck, he didn't know...he didn't know what to do without them....

"Ford, I don't know," he said, his voice shaky. "I don't know what to do."

Ford seemed to already know the answer. "We can do whatever you want, Rick. If you want to return to Earth... your home planet, then, well, we can. See what happened...what's left of the destruction. You can stay here, or leave, or-or anything else, okay? Rick, before you closed the door that night I told you I would always welcome you back with no hesitation. I intend to keep that promise."

Ford pulled back and looked into Rick's eyes. "But I need one thing. Let's...let's be friends again, okay? Buddies, like _old old_ times, before we really became intimate. I...that's all I'm asking and I'll do whatever you want in return."

Rick looked deep into the depths of Ford's soul and knew there was goodness there. So much goodness, he...he didn't deserve it but he _wanted_ it. And Ford wanted something from Rick, too. So.. maybe they could make this work and be friends again. Maybe they both deserved this for once.

And Rick knew that for once in his life...he would not fuck this up.

"Okay..." he finally whispered. "It's a deal.”


End file.
